My Sweet Cooper James

Oh Cooper, my dear sweet Cooper James. 

How does a mother sum up the beauty that you carry each and every day. The beauty that is your ease and trust and comfort in the face of distress. Usually it is my crazy motherly ways trying to explain to you for the 20th time why you must have yet another surgery, for yet another attempt to make all this sickness go away so that when the nurses come for you, you will walk away a little nervous but not scared and no peeling of those sweet little paint stained fingers will be required. 

Then when the doctor walks in and asks if you have any questions you say, "Nope, I am going to get the mask and take a nap, so you can take my boogers and  'not out my nose." Cool as a cucumber. And the first response of your neurotic loving mother is to cry because you are just so well adjusted. You handle everything in stride without too much worry (I suppose I worry enough for all of us). And as the tears begin to fall I am just so damn proud of you I could melt to bits, right there on the floor in the surgery center.

I am continually blown away each time I recall the past almost 3 years of my life. It is filled with some of the hardest moments I have ever had in this life. But with every rough point their is another equally bright tremendously brighter because of the beauty that is our dear sweet Cooper James.

My life is so much brighter (and so are my walls... floors... tables... and couches...) with you in it and boy are you going to put your mark on this world and I cannot wait to see what it looks like.

This crazy Rice life reprise

Here is the part I left out of the previous post regarding the Respiratory Chronicles of Cooper.

Cooper's most recent case of pneumonia was back in December. It was just a bad cold and probably a little bit of the fact his lungs had taken a serious beating over the summer and weren't completely healed.

This case consisted of an 8-hour ER stay with 3 double nebs and 2 IV antibiotics and only 2 days of missed school. This was actually an improvement from our recent ER turned days and week long visits to the PICU. I can remember sitting in the office with Coop's pulmonary specialist realizing why everyone was so freaked out from his recurrent pneumonia that would. not. go. away. because this case seemed to be resolved in a day or so.

So out went the pneumonia and all that was left was a horrific case of sinusitis. It sounded like Coop had laryngomalacia worse than ever which was actually a collection of his backed up sinuses. Its really gross so I will spare you the details. 

That was back in January. We are now in April and this sinusitis wont. stay. away. The antibiotics work and then 5-10 days later all the symptoms are back. Let it go an additional week and Coop's belly gets so full of junk he won't eat. So here we are starting on round 3 of antibiotics, this time 21 days of Omnicef. If this doesn't work, well its back to the ENT and possible adenoid surgery.

Phew!

It just wouldn't be our crazy rice life if we didn't have one thing after the next! :)

This crazy Rice life!

I wish I had kept better track of my labels throughout this crazy Rice life so it would be easier for newer readers to read the Respiratory Chronicles of Cooper. Maybe one day I will sort all of my posts. But that is highly unlikely. So I guess I can start with SparkNotes version. (Do people even know what those are anymore??)

Our first respiratory issue resulted in Cooper's very first hospital stay when he was 11 weeks old. We had no idea that was just the beginning. I already feel myself wanting to tell the whole story, detail by detail. Instead, I will sum it up. 

Cooper was diagnosed with Tracheomalacia based on symptoms by his pediatrician. Then, his ENT diagnosed Laryngomalacia and ruled out Tracheamalacia through a fiber-optic endoscope. Then, when the Laryngomalacia wasn't resolving itself as it should, Coop was referred to a pediatric pulmonary specialist where after many tests (including the scariest of all, a cystic fibrosis sweat test) Tracheamalacia was re-diagnosed. After recurrent pneumonia which resulted in 6 weeks of being admitted and discharged from St. Mary's last summer, a bronchioscope confirmed the Tracheamalacia as well as a foreign body trapped in the entrance to Coop's right lung, blocking 90% of the oxygen trying to get to his right lung and resulting in the inability to recover from pneumonia.

Phew! That was confusing. And that was the short story...

So since removing the foreign body and recovering from pneumonia,  we have only had 1 additional case and about 1,000 colds (and this is an improvement!) Our treatment plan was 1 nebulizer of the highest dose of Pulmacort morning and night with 1 dose of Albuterol via nebulizer. Additional doses of Albuterol could be given every 4 hours to total 4 doses in one day, if necessary.

We have been hospital visit free since this past December. That is THREE months without an ER visit, not too shabby if you ask me! So our hope to figure out what the heck is going on with Cooper's lungs and trachea started to seem closer and closer. The medicine seemed to work but we just couldn't seem to kick the coughing and choking seemed to be happening more than we would like, not just on foods but on his own saliva, a few times, pulling over on the side of the road to get him out of his car seat.

This past Tuesday, we finally received a diagnosis. Based on his respiratory history, the current symptoms and the fact that Coop gets 1,000 colds and no one else in our house gets them, Cooper is thought to have... ASTHMA.

We figured this was in our future. We kind knew this was coming. And honestly, with our history, we are so glad it is something as simple as asthma.

We started a new medicine regiment, 2 inhalers (via spacer) of Qvar and Albuterol (2 puffs each) morning and night plus saline nose flushes and 1 spray on each side of Nasonex every night. This has turned our 25 minute medicine routine into a 6 minute routine. Coop is having a little bit of difficulty giving up the nebulizer (which is funny, since he HATED it before the introduction to inhalers) but I think it is because he can taste the medicine now.

Fast forward 72 hours and we all slept the ENTIRE night, no coughing, no stuffy nose, no breathing issues. This has probably happened less than the number I can count on my fingers. It was amazing. As much as I am not happy Cooper has asthma, it is so nice to finally have a plan in place that works. And I know Coop will get used to it eventually, but I am pretty excited about skipping the nebulizer treatments, not to mention not having to travel with all of that equipment. Plus, they say kids who have asthma early, grow out of it. 

So after every test under the sun, we are finally somewhere. Cooper already seems a lot happier and we are all happier when we sleep. So glad to have this problem solved before Griffin comes. Now we can move on to all the other medical issues going on in our crazy Rice life!

i love someone with a floppy larynx!

The timing just doesn't get better than this...


I went down the path of google searches that I mentioned in my last post and I came across this.

(product & photo credit: http://www.copingwithlm.org)

This could not have come at a better moment, it brought a smile that was beyond necessary. It is just a shame they are out of stock! :)

let go and let God

Cooper had his 3rd fiberoptic endoscope this afternoon. Last time, I was a mess and that was over a year ago, so I brought back up. This time I was equipped with Rick AND Grandad. 


I am not sure I would say we got the news we were hoping for, but it wasn't all bad... Comparatively speaking, Cooper's larynx is less floppy than it was during the last scope.
It felt good seeing it with my own eyes. Unfortunately, his stridor hasn't improved over the last 6 months, which suggests that this improvement may not be the cause of the stridor. So as doctor's do, we cross off one cause and move onto the next, in Cooper's case, down the respiratory system. So onto the lungs we go.


I trust Dr. Brager. I actually really like him. Back when Coop had his ear tube surgery, I was so relieved when Dr. Brager came out ran out of the operating room because he knew how scared I was about the anesthesia with Cooper's breathing difficulties. I respect the fact that he reminds me which appointments that I will need some back up and I trust that everything happens for a reason. But... you knew the but was coming... I can't help but be on the verge of tears. I have had this pit in the bottom of my throat since we left the doctor.


I don't really know what I thought would happen today. A part of me hoped that he would look and see a growth or lesion that can be fixed easier than ear tubes and Dr. Brager would have a light bulb, "Oh THAT is it!" And give us some medicine to fix it. Problem solved. Not that I want anything to be wrong with Cooper but because I wanted a definitive answer. You would think I would've learned by now not to get my hopes up.


As I am writing this, Rick is with Cooper because he just woke up coughing so hard his bright red face was almost purple. He was/is screaming his head off, almost literally, and the pit in the bottom of my throat is finally coming up in endless streams of tears. I just want to know what is going on. Why have the symptoms gotten worse if his voicebox is getting better. And why the hell didn't anyone refer us to a pulmonary specialist sooner. Ugh.


That kind of thinking gets me no where productive, its just the tears talking. I end up walking down paths that get really scary by repeating google search after google search hoping that one of the youtube videos or medical research journals or blogs I see will help me figure this out.


And then I remember how beautiful my Cooper is, with his white blonde hair and this giggle I could listen to all day. The sweetness in his eyes when he runs full-fledged (fists pumping) across the playground shouting "mama" because he just missed me that much. The way he says "tank tew" every single last time I hand him something, even when I change his diaper (which he hates). And I force myself, like I am right now, to remember that everything is okay (although most times it takes one of my really awesome girlfriends to remind me) because he is bright and sweet and developing at a pace that is totally, absolutely nothing to worry about regardless of the silly sounds his breathing/voicebox/whatever it is makes.

So here we are back to square one, learning the same lesson that I keep thinking we already covered. It doesn't really matter if I trust our pediatrician or our ENT or the pulmonary specialist or whoever we may see next or after that. What matters is that I still am learning to let go and let God. Because when I give this to God, completely and entirely, it will be solved.

little Darth Vader boy

Cooper, my dear sweet, little Darth Vader boy.


I have gotten so used to the staring that I am not even sure it still happens. Occasionally in a moment of weakness, I will look around to see. To see those moms who hold their children close, far away from my child who sounds like he has the worst case of RSV known to man.


It used to make me cry to think about it. I remember sitting in an exam room at the ENT office and asking begging our doctor to do the surgery that could correct it, with thoughts of a teen-aged Cooper trying to ask a girl on a date with this heavy, intense breathing...


He refused of course kindly explained that even if he thought it were a good idea (which he didn't) there wasn't any way insurance would cover such a surgery unless it was interfering with his ability to thrive (which is obviously a non-issue). But when does self-esteem factor into this? How do you assess the impact of those mean kids that are everywhere... they ones with those judgmental moms.


I am 28 years old, a college graduate, am making an awesome career for myself and have crossed over more obstacles than I can count in my years. I have years of grooming, both emotionally and spiritually, to make me bigger than something like noisy breathing. I STILL allow others to affect my weather with their judgmental stares (how dare she bring a sick child like that out in public!) But my son? No, not my sweet son. How can I possibly allow him to grow up like this?


Today, I attempted to explain this to our doctor. Not because I am still on the surgery train, but because I just wanted him to see how sad it makes me. I just wanted him to understand. As soon as I told him I was considering what life would be like for a 6 year old breathing like this, that I was mostly over the staring but I couldn't possibly expect Cooper to be. Dr. Brager whipped around in his chair, looked me dead in the face and said, "He. Will. Not. Sound. Like. This. We. Will. Solve. This. And in the meantime, Cooper can just beat them up."


And its true. He can. He is a healthy, beautiful, smart boy. He is doing everything he should be doing. He is sweeter than pie and is as rad as the 80s. What does it matter if he sounds like this? Grandad says, he will have an advantage over his fellow football players because his opponents will be scared shitless... Oh Grandad...

But he won't. He won't beat them up. He is far too sweet for that. He won't even notice them. He will think the moms are weird and the kids are weirder and will still walk up to them with a love knuckle fist, waiting to make a friend. He will remind mommy that I am the only one who cares that people stare, I am the only one that even notices. And if he ever does pay attention, if he ever realizes, I will let him beat them up. Just like Darth Vadar would.

ENT update.

Welp, its official. I have lost count of how many ear infections Cooper has had. But he has one yet again and with it so early in the cold season, his doctor thinks tubes is the best choice. (We kinda all knew this would happen.) So October 18 will be the day he says goodbye to constant fluid in his ears and equilibrium problems (we hope!)

His best friend got tubes just a few days ago and recovered within the day and is waaaay happier since. I am definitely more confident about getting tubes than I was 8 weeks ago. I am definitely looking forward to relieving the discomfort my sweet baby has been in.


Since we haven't heard much improvement with his stridor, they have once again extended the window, now we should expect he will grow out of it by age 5. This was beyond disappointing but also not that much of a surprise, either. I'm just so thankful he is hitting milestones like he's supposed to. We are continuing to cherish every moment since time is definitely not slowing down!

Happy First Birthday sweet baby Coop!

How do I sum up the most amazing year of my life? It's hard for me to remember what life was like before Cooper, before motherhood.
In the past year, Coop has kept me up countless nights, caused serious physical discomfort in various ways including causing my feet to swell up like jimmy dean sausage logs, been on at least 12 sick visits and a weekend in the hospital, with many diagnosis ranging from ear infections all the way through his floppy voice box aka laryngomalacia, ruined various items of clothing with mushy peas and green beans, has probably given me my first gray hair trying to hear him breathe over the monitor, has even started hitting/pinching and has still brought more joy to my heart than I ever knew was possible.
He is more than walking-ish. Each day he has a little more confidence than the last (what a man, right?) and will be running any day now.
He is more than talking-ish. He says: mama, dada, dog, uhoh, byebye, thank you, and countless other things that I have yet to decipher.
He is definitely more than siging-ish. He signs: byebye, milk, more, eat, all done, dog, and is very close to please and thank you.
I just cannot believe how challenging/fun/emotional/exciting this year has been. How having this beautiful baby has made me a better person, woman, wife, daughter, friend and teacher. Each day is better than before and each day he does something equally as amazing.
Today was the birthday dance. It consisted of Coop stomping his feet, bouncing on his knees and throwing his body onto the bed while I sang him happy birthday. (Don't worry, I got a video!) The day before was me asking him why he was crying and him instantly showing me the sign for eat. Each night I go to bed, I am so excited to see what cool thing will happen the next day.
So happy birthday sweet Cooper James and thank you, thank you, thank you for choosing us to be your parents!

Wouldn't change a thing!

Usually I am excited to go to the doctor. We find out how much Coop has grown and they often spend a solid 5 minutes of our 15 minute visit talking about how beautiful/handsome he is (which they probably say to all the moms but I believe it anyway!)
I don't even mind the shots so much now because Coop handles them like a champ and I know how important they are especially for a kid that catches EVERYTHING!
But the ENT is a different story. As you have read before, the throat scope is definitely heavy on the heart. I am not too proud to admit that I don't like to handle this on my own. Even with someone there to support me (usually my dad) I still have a hard time keeping it together.
But... today they skipped the scope! I couldn't have been happier. Even with my dad's muscles and the nurse's help, it is difficult to hold him down for the physically painless procedure and often times even more difficult to watch. I could've cried that we, Coop especially, didn't have to go through that once again.
I asked the doctor about the incessant cough that Coop has, even on his healthiest days. He thinks it might be linked to reflux so they are putting him on a daily medication that should help.
He also said that Cooper still has a significant amount of fluid in his ears which explains his regular ear infections. He is pretty sure Coop will get another one once cold season hits in which case he thinks tubes are the best choice.
When they first brought tubes up, I was fine but that was when I thought it was a procedure only requiring a local. Today the doctor said they would have to put him to sleep for the procedure. I'm pretty sure the doctor saw the sadness in my eyes because he was quick to tell me they do it all the time and not to worry.
I feel way more confident in our choice of doctor now that we have built a relationship with him. I am starting to feel like Dr. Brager remembers Cooper and his symptoms which makes me trust his opinions and the prognosis. We go back in 8 weeks unless an ear infection comes first. And we will cross those bridges when we get there.
Fingers remain crossed for some improvement in his stridor, because so far it seems pretty stagnate. The outlook is that at 12-18 months we should start hearing a difference (the window keeps getting extended...)
I have to admit, I am starting to get really sick of people assuming he is sick and congested. Honestly, I prefer you to ask why he sounds this way instead of giving me judgmental looks and pulling your own children away like he is a leper (you won't catch it I swear).
I said a long time ago that this would probably resolve itself the minute I let go. Not only letting go of what people think but also letting go of the feeling of constantly wanting to explain. Guess I still have some work to do.
Until then I am going to enjoy my sweet little squeak toy who is definitely more a toddler than a baby, with all the fickleness and attitude that comes with it. And remind myself that even with all of these throat scopes and ENT visits and awful stares... I would not change a thing about my sweet baby coop.

still my little squeak toy!

We went to the ENT back in March to get a clearer picture (literally) of Cooper's noisy breathing a.k.a. his stridor. Today was our follow up visit and definitely didn't go as well as hoped.


The doctor had hoped we would notice significant improvements over the last 3 months and that he wouldn't even have to re-scope him. Sadly, that was not the case. 


In fact, during this second scope, they also discovered yet another reason why his breathing is so noisy. He also has a mild case of subglottic stenosis a.k.a. narrowing of the airway. So not only is his voicebox's cartilage weak and floppy but his vocal cords are narrower than average, both of which contribute to the stridor.


What does this mean? Well, it means we will be going to the ENT every 3 months until there is some significant change. It means we have to be extra careful about food allergies because the reactions could be life threatening for Cooper. It means Cooper is going to remain our human squeak toy until about 3 or 4 and will probably have to sit out of quiet games like sardines and hide-n-seek. (Thankfully surgery doesn't seem to be a concern unless it starts to worsen or interferes with his development.)


So hopes of Coop not remembering all of this are sort of evaporating. In fact, when we walked into the dimly lit procedure room where they do the scope, Cooper flipped out, like he knew or remembered something bad was going to happen.


But it could be worse. He could be refusing food, having difficulty swallowing and this could interfere with his ability to thrive. And it's not. He is definitely a healthy, growing, strong boy, with more perseverance than I have seen in a baby.


I am confident his thriving will continue and that one day he will be able to play hide-n-seek with his friends! :)

My Human Squeak Toy

Anyone that has been around Cooper or is friends with me on facebook knows and has probably seen videos of my human squeak toy. There is even a name for it, we found out back in November in the ER.


But things aren't apparently that easy...


Cooper goes to bed around 8pm every night. Occasionally he will wake up between 1-4 for a bottle but usually it is him telling us he needs more baby food. But if he is up all night- something is going on.


About 2 weeks ago Cooper went to bed like usual and woke up around 10:30pm screaming at the top of his lungs. The rest of the night he only slept for 45 minutes at a time and by 4am a fever showed up. By the morning, he wouldn't let you near his ears. So we rushed to the doctor first thing (for his march sick visit - cause the kid goes every month!).


We go to Pediatrics Associates of Richmond, which also happens to be the same practice I attended from birth - 18 years. I remember when this doctor we were scheduled to see started working at the practice... but I suppose that is unimportant.


He basically said that he thought it was crazy that I hadn't taken Cooper to an ENT specialist and planted many seeds of doubt in the originial, unofficial diagnosis. He was concerned that Cooper could have an abscess or a growth and we wouldn't have any idea because it was never definitely diagnosed (although it was HIS PARTNERS that told us an ENT consultation wasn't necessary.)


Needless to say, the doctor said Cooper did in fact have an ear infection and he suggested a couple ENTs along with his script.


So we went to see the an ENT this morning. I will skip the part about how we had to wait an hour to see a doctor and the part about how nobody seemed to think they were unprofessional (for making us wait without any heads up and getting a 6 month old baby completely off of his schedule) and move straight to the important part.


They used a scope, not any more invasive than the tubes they used for the deep suctioning in the hospital (i.e. no sedative or straight jacket necessary, thank God!) and were able to watch Cooper's throat and voice box move as he breathed and cried.


The conclusion... Cooper does not have Tracheomalacia but actually Laryngomalacia (great a whole new word to train myself to say!). The difference is apparently very small since, none of the doctors we have seen until today have corrected us (probably a total of 10).


What does this change? Nothing really but now we can confident that we know what is going on. Now that I have seen the movement of his larynx while listening to him breath, I feel waaay more confident that I will be able to assess a more serious situation should that arise. I know what to listen for and I know what should cause concern.


They want us to go back in June to look at his larynx again to be sure it is improving but the doctor seems to think all should be well by 12 months.


So bittersweet to think my sweet baby Coop won't always be my SQUEAKY baby Coop!

can't sleep,,,

Cooper is in his crib asleep. I am in my bed awake. 


Its is our first night home, Coop is breathing easier but apparently I'm still a little uneasy.
I have a confession to make. We swore up and down we wouldn't let Coop sleep in the bed with us. We haven't but...


One of us has slept on the couch with him almost every night. Might as well sleep with us right?


We tried over a weekend to force the bassinet but then he was said to have the tracheomalacia and the doctor explained he wouldn't be comfortable sleeping flat on his back so we went back to taking turns on the couch.

Night one in the hospital all I wanted was for him to be comfortable so our nurse Jessi kind of looked the other way when I held him all night.

Night two, our second night nurse Shannon got creative. She cranked the mattress up at a 45 degree angle and created a U shape out of blankets which she covered with more blankets to create a little nest. Coop's bottom rested on the U so he wouldn't slide down. Coop's trachea didn't have to fight gravity, he had better drainage and mommy didn't have to hold him all night. He didn't even sleep with his paci!

Night three, I was confident and didn't need any assistance getting coop situated in his nest and when Jessi came on shift in the middle of the night, she was not only surprised to see we were still there but that Coop was in his crib! (Shannon was very proud!)

I thanked Shannon for taking care of us but more importantly helping me figure this crib thing out.
So here I am awake in my bed while my sweet baby Coop is asleep in his big boy crib. Rick fixed it so it is at a 45 degree angle and we, too, made a U shape to keep him from sliding down. He has only slept in the crib for 4 hours at a time but as long as we are consistent he will get it. I think this crib thing will aid in maintaining a bedtime routine as well as his ability to self soothe and go to sleep on his own.

Just one more thing to add to our list of positives.

Finding the positives...

So anyone how knows me, knows how hard I try to find something positive in every person and every situation. 


So there I was, sitting in a hospital room, feeling like I could lose it at any point. My son could barely breathe and I hadn't slept in days, trying to remember everything happens for a reason...


What could possibly be the point of all of this?


Here is what I discovered...


I am strong. I am strong for Cooper. I am strong for Rick. When I am not strong, Cooper and Rick are both strong for me.


I have the most amazing support system. From my biological and in-law family to my church family to my friends I call my family to acquaintances that I only speak to via facebook and people who I hope to become closer with. We have more people who care about us and our well being than I will EVER be able to count.


Did I mention how brave my little man is? How tough he is? I learned that he really is a little man... not a little baby.


But I think the most significant thing is what I learned about my marriage. You don't know the depth of a person's love until you have to go through hell together. And we came out alive and more in love than ever.


Just in time for Thanksgiving. We have so much to be thankful for. So much.

We are home!

Cooper was discharged this afternoon!

He still gets noisy when he is upset or excited but that is going to happen no matter what due to the tracheomalacia. He is definitely himself again. They say it could take him 7-10 days to get over the infection completely but the worst is behind us.


We head back to the doctor on Thursday for a follow-up to be sure he is doing better.
We are going to have to be stricter about hand washing and being around sick people. Here is my advance apology if I deny your request to hold him. Respiratory infections are going to be worse on him than the average baby so its important to limit the germs as best as we can.

We are so thankful for all the thoughts, prayers and love. Thanks for being there for all of us.

Dear Cooper James

You are so brave.
I am so very proud of the sweet baby you are right now and the wonderful man you will grow to be. I already see so much positive personality in your sweet little self even at 11 weeks old.
You are proving to not only be a good sport but also a tough one. I have a feeling you are going to keep your daddy and I grounded with your positive attitude. Through this whole sickness, even at your worst, you have continued to laugh and giggle and remind us of how important the little things are. Your smile makes me melt.
I promise you, when you make a sad choice and we aren't very happy with you, I'm going to let it go. I'm going to let you have ice cream for dinner because of the brave boy that you are.
I love you through and through.
Love, Mommy

No news is not necessarily good.

We are still here. It is getting harder, I have to admit. Cooper's throat is so dry and sore, he barely has a voice left to cry. The little bit of sound he makes breaks my heart.
I feel like I'm running a marathon with no finish line. I've been holding it together but am starting to get really tired.
As soon as I start to melt down all I can think is about how we are lucky we live close. We are lucky he doesn't have a chronic illness. We are lucky we can afford care, that we have care offered to us. Then I feel guilty for being so upset when there are so many more babies worse off than Cooper.
I guess nothing makes watching your baby sick no matter how common or severe it is.
I guess all mothers (and daddies) go through these feelings just hopefully not so early in their baby's life.
I guess every mother wishes they could breathe in the bad stuff so their baby doesn't have to.
I guess deep down I know Cooper is going to be fine, there is a finish line and he will breathe easy again (and so will I).
That still doesn't make any of it easier.

My sweet baby is a trooper!

The pediatrician has decided to keep Cooper here another night. His breathing is still labored at times and he is extremely congested.
They have done a deep suction that sucks the mucous all the down to his lungs and a couple of suctions of his nose and throat that seem to have helped.
Because of all the mucous they now think it is bronchialitus instead of croup. But still believe he has tracheomalacia.
They will continue to monitor him throughout the night but are hopeful we will be able to leave in the morning.
He is being such a good sport through all of this. I sure do wish I could let him have a scoop of ice cream for dinner! :)

Cooper's first ER visit.

Yep that is right. We went to the ER yesterday.

Let me start from the beginning...
About 3 weeks ago, we started noticing some wheezing. Mostly, just when Coop was upset or excited. As the days went by we started noticing it more and more.
Two weeks ago, we went to the doctor. They checked Coop out and concluded it was probably a condition called Tracheomalacia aka floppy trachea.
There are ridges throughout your trachea that keep it in a cylinder shape (similar to a corrugated tube that you might use in your yard). With this condition, the cartilage hasn't finished forming so between 2 of the ridges it is floppy causing an occasionally obstruction in the airway is the person inhales.
This means laying down, eating, etc. Are more difficult because the trachea has to fight gravity.

So back to the story...
A week ago Cooper has his 2 month check-up. They said everything looked great and the wheezing sounded okay but most importantly wasn't interfering in anything.
So Thursday night Cooper started sounding really congested. Over the night it got way worse. We took him to the pediatrician and the nurse practitioner we saw said it sounded like croup. He got 2 nebeulizer treatments and seemed to be sounding better. We fed him before we packed up to leave (with our very own at-home neb).
Then, he started sounding worse and worse and as we made an appointment to come back for a follow-up a doctor pulled us aside to re-exam him. She concluded that because his chest was retracting for him to inhale and it seemed like he was using his own body to breathe it would be best if we went to the ER.

We headed to St. Mary's where they did a bunch more tests, 2 chest x-rays, 2 more neb treatments with a stronger medicine and an oral steroid. He didn't sound as good as they would like so they had us spend the night for more observations.
He started eating normally over night and seems to be sleeping a little better. At times he even breathes quietly. (At his worst, he sounded like a grown man snoring.)
They have concluded that he does in fact have tracheomalacia. They are still unsure if this particular episode is actual croup or a tracheomalacia flair-up caused by a respiratory infection.

What does this mean in the future? It means every little cold he catches is going to hit him harder, or at least sound like it.
It is my understanding 99% of children grow out of this and they go on to being healthy children. In very rare, severe cases they will refer children to see an ear, nose and throat specialist to officially diagnose and treat the condition.
We were being discharged today but Coop has since starting using his body to breathe again. They are keeping him today, possibly tonight just to be sure he is ready to go home.
Thanks for the love, prayers and support. We are so blessed to have an amazing support system.

cooper's birth story...finally!

So last time we were celebrating our 2 year anniversary! Gosh, so much has happened in the last 3 weeks its hard to know where to begin... and I must apologize this is a LONG post...

So our due date was fast approaching and Cooper showed no signs of being ready to join us. I was going to the doctor once a week, each time leaving school expecting not to return! And as you have probably guessed, getting more miserable/hot/swollen by each passing day. I was READY to have this baby!

Yeah, yeah, I know everyone kept telling us, get sleep while you can, enjoy it while you can.. blah blah blah I was not enjoying being the size of a whale. I could barely get out of bed all 4 million times I had to get up to pee. I really just didn't want to be pregnant anymore.

Then our due date came and went. Coop was still showing no signs of being ready. Each appointment turned me to absolute mush... instant crying the minute we got in the car to once again leave St. Mary's empty handed. It was seriously starting to feel like I would be pregnant for the rest of my life.

My go-to joke was that this was some sick joke. I wasn't actually pregnant, I just gained a bunch of weight. There actually wasn't a baby in there...

Are you starting to see how desperate I was?

Friday, August 27th my doctor scheduled yet another ultrasound to check on the baby. She said the previous Monday that we would make some decisions based on the ultrasound findings. These were the options she mentioned on Monday... a) hope that my body and baby were ready and I would go into labor on my own b) induce labor (multiple different ways were options) but with my closed cervix and the baby not engaged in my pelvic cavity at all would 50% likely result in a c-section after hours of trying to force labor OR c) elect to have a c-section.

So basically the whole week I cried. I had stopped working so needless to say had a lot of time on my hands which was mostly spent crying. I prayed more than I have ever prayed. I called my sister and sought her advice. And then cried some more...

I tried to let go. Every time I let go, God usually shows me the right answer. But as much as I tried, I couldn't let go. I had spent the better part of the last 10 months focused on not having a C-section. I wanted a natural childbirth more than anything else (well besides a healthy baby). But I was starting to feel like there was a C-section in my future...

Then I realized my goals were unrealistic. Just like my doctor said from the very beginning of this pregnancy, the way the baby comes will be up to the baby. He will guide us on his birthday, not the other way around. It was time to focus on things I could control and let go of the rest.

If I couldn't be guaranteed to hold him, I at least wanted to remember him being born. After talking with many women, including my doctor, it seemed that inducing labor with my circumstances wouldn't be successful and if I had to have a C-section after days of labor, I wouldn't remember it.

After a long week, we decided if nothing had changed at our appointment on Friday, we would elect to  have a C-section, end the waiting game and meet our little man. And sure enough, there had been zero change. At 5pm on Friday afternoon, my doctor was able to schedule a C-section for Monday morning (August 30). She said hopefully I would go into labor on my own over the weekend but if not, we would check one last time Monday morning to make sure inducing labor wasn't a better option but otherwise to plan on a C-section.

Monday morning rolls around and we are beyond excited. It took many long days of praying and crying to come to the conclusion that a C-section was the best option. We were both VERY excited our long wait was coming to an end. Little did we know how important this decision would be....

We were told to be at the hospital at 6am but in our excitement arrived a little early. The first nurse we had was very quick to voice her opinion on our elective C-section. Multiple different times she made comments about how weird it was that my doctor agreed to perform surgery when induction wasn't even attempted. I responded as politely as you can at 5:45am when someone is telling you that you are making a mistake. It took all of my energy not to tell her how unprofessional she was being. Last time I checked this was my body and the decision was between my doctor, my husband and me and had absolutely nothing to do with her. Thankfully, Rick kept reminding me that we came to this decision carefully and not to listen to her. 

Thank God for shift change because the next nurse we had was the polar opposite. She asked the same questions but instead of telling us we were making a mistake, she totally got it. She never questioned our decision. She was goofy and sweet and kept us laughing all the way through Cooper's birth. 

They checked me one last time to discover there was no change. Cooper was coming via C-section. I couldn't believe it was finally here. I was scared, nervous, excited, ya know about everything you can feel all at once.

Fast forward through the incision.... Rick was sitting next to me. He was white as a ghost in his scrubs but telling me how excited he was. I hear them tell us it's a boy and then my doctor says, Rick you are going to want to get a picture of this... and holds up the umbilical cord that is tied in a knot, a loose knot but a real knot. As Rick pulls out the camera the doctor precedes to tell us that these knots cause still births. The nurses are now explaining to me had we tried induction, the knot would've tightened cutting off all of Cooper's blood and oxygen, resulting in what they referred to as a "fire alarm" c-section, meaning we would've raced to the OR to have an emergency C-section and I would've been put to sleep. I wouldn't have my husband or my memory. 

I still have yet to hear my baby cry. I hear still birth and no baby cry and start asking Rick over and over if he is okay. Of course he was okay. Healthy as a horse, but with a little fluid in his lungs. I immediately start crying. Not because I just had a baby but because I am beyond happy to have been led down this path.

I am so happy we decided to have a c-section. Who knows what could've happened to our sweet baby boy if we had chosen option a or b.

After we got to visit with Cooper for a few minutes, they whisked him off to the nursery to make sure his lungs would get the fluid out. I just lay there in shock while they close me up, absolute shock that my baby has had a knot in his umbilical cord for the better part of this pregnancy. There is no doubt based on his size (and mine!) that he was getting nourishment throughout the pregnancy. 

I am so thankful that I was able to let go and give it to God. Because he is my little miracle. He was meant to come via C-section and he was meant to be ours! :)

Ps. Pictures to be posted soon! Will not be sharing the actually surgery pictures because they are a bit vulgar, so if you would like to see the umbilical cord, I can email it. :)