Genuinely happy.

I can remember laying awake at night (probably with pregnancy insomnia) wondering what my sweet baby Cooper James was going to look like. I can remember yearning, wondering what he would feel like nestled in my arms, a yearning so deep it almost hurt. Impatience doesn't do the feeling I had justice. 

I am so glad I have blogged through most of my family life. Going back through the stories I have forgotten and the moments that have left me has been a blessing. Reading back to Cooper's birth story, just reinforces how God has been a part of every choice we have made in our life and even more how important it has been to let go and let God.

So many people have commented on how positive I have remained through this whirlwind, possibly hurricane or tornado is a better word. I am so glad that is what people see when they look at me and read when they check in on my blog. I don't believe that I have all the answers but my trust in God seems to be working out pretty well so I plan to continue it and hopefully a few will gain a bit of insight on the way.

Reading back to Cooper's birth story reminds me of how much I have grown. I remember that week before Cooper was born. 40 weeks going on 41 and I cried for 7 days straight. I wish I was exaggerating. I tried so hard to let go but it took me 7 days of crying to get there and it was over the way my son would join us in this world, to have a c-section or not.

Now, here I sit 34 weeks pregnant, with a scheduled C-section to deliver my preemie son, a brain tumor, a 2nd brain "abnormality," a diagnosis of possible seizures and/or migraines that interrupt my brain function, anti-seizure medicine that I cannot drive on nor take any kind of sleep aid with to help my pregnancy insomnia AND to top it all off a list of a million tests, probably to begin on Griffin's birthday. And only God knows what will happen after that.

And I am happy. Genuinely happy. 

[If you have no idea what I am talking about, you should probably start here.]

Watching Cooper in his Big Brother class this past weekend, practice holding his tiger, swaddling him, putting a diaper on him and even feeding him a bottle was quite entertaining. Cooper loved peeking in the nursery to see the sweet babies and left the hospital wanting to see more. He woke up a few mornings later singing happy birthday to Griffin and telling me he was "so cited" Griffin was coming "in 3 minutes" (obviously we have some work to do in the duration of time category.)

This time, my yearning isn't to find out what is going on with my brain. Don't get me wrong, I am super curious but I haven't given it the time or worry because it simply doesn't deserve it. My yearning isn't even to see what Griffin is going to look like, although I am very excited for him to come.

My yearning is to see Cooper look at Griffin for the first time. My yearning is to watch Cooper tickle Griffin's toes and watch them both giggle. My yearning is to watch my two boys fall in love with each other. THAT is what I am excited about, THAT deserves my attention and THAT is why I can sit here, with a very scary situation ahead and still be genuinely happy. Genuinely happy and still trusting that God will take care of everything else.

Coop & Daddy swaddling tiger at Big Brother class!