let go and let God

Cooper had his 3rd fiberoptic endoscope this afternoon. Last time, I was a mess and that was over a year ago, so I brought back up. This time I was equipped with Rick AND Grandad. 


I am not sure I would say we got the news we were hoping for, but it wasn't all bad... Comparatively speaking, Cooper's larynx is less floppy than it was during the last scope.
It felt good seeing it with my own eyes. Unfortunately, his stridor hasn't improved over the last 6 months, which suggests that this improvement may not be the cause of the stridor. So as doctor's do, we cross off one cause and move onto the next, in Cooper's case, down the respiratory system. So onto the lungs we go.


I trust Dr. Brager. I actually really like him. Back when Coop had his ear tube surgery, I was so relieved when Dr. Brager came out ran out of the operating room because he knew how scared I was about the anesthesia with Cooper's breathing difficulties. I respect the fact that he reminds me which appointments that I will need some back up and I trust that everything happens for a reason. But... you knew the but was coming... I can't help but be on the verge of tears. I have had this pit in the bottom of my throat since we left the doctor.


I don't really know what I thought would happen today. A part of me hoped that he would look and see a growth or lesion that can be fixed easier than ear tubes and Dr. Brager would have a light bulb, "Oh THAT is it!" And give us some medicine to fix it. Problem solved. Not that I want anything to be wrong with Cooper but because I wanted a definitive answer. You would think I would've learned by now not to get my hopes up.


As I am writing this, Rick is with Cooper because he just woke up coughing so hard his bright red face was almost purple. He was/is screaming his head off, almost literally, and the pit in the bottom of my throat is finally coming up in endless streams of tears. I just want to know what is going on. Why have the symptoms gotten worse if his voicebox is getting better. And why the hell didn't anyone refer us to a pulmonary specialist sooner. Ugh.


That kind of thinking gets me no where productive, its just the tears talking. I end up walking down paths that get really scary by repeating google search after google search hoping that one of the youtube videos or medical research journals or blogs I see will help me figure this out.


And then I remember how beautiful my Cooper is, with his white blonde hair and this giggle I could listen to all day. The sweetness in his eyes when he runs full-fledged (fists pumping) across the playground shouting "mama" because he just missed me that much. The way he says "tank tew" every single last time I hand him something, even when I change his diaper (which he hates). And I force myself, like I am right now, to remember that everything is okay (although most times it takes one of my really awesome girlfriends to remind me) because he is bright and sweet and developing at a pace that is totally, absolutely nothing to worry about regardless of the silly sounds his breathing/voicebox/whatever it is makes.

So here we are back to square one, learning the same lesson that I keep thinking we already covered. It doesn't really matter if I trust our pediatrician or our ENT or the pulmonary specialist or whoever we may see next or after that. What matters is that I still am learning to let go and let God. Because when I give this to God, completely and entirely, it will be solved.

blog-lift?

I used to know a lot about html. I do not anymore, nor do I feel like figuring it out. Withthat said, I have no idea what is going on with my blog. The header is on here multiple times and it won't let me remove one. I have been needing to give this blog a face lift for sometime, I guess now is the time, but not trying to pay an arm and a leg.


Suggestions?

getting back to making our house a home.

July marks our 2 year house anniversary. We wanted to become home owners, not just for the investment but also because Rick is quite the handy man and I am quite the crafter. We were excited to take on a BIG project compiled of many other projects to make our house a home.

Well we had a kid instead. It has taken us 2 years to do anything large in the home improvement/DIY category.

We painted and worked on completed the nursery when we first moved in, because we had to... (one of the bedrooms was a very deep blue and it just had to go) because we had a baby on the way. So an almost 9 month preggo and my determined husband, painted every single room in the house. We even made a list of all the long term things we wanted to do pre-closing (none of which we have completed...shhh!)

In December, we finally took on painting the country brick in our den. As I searched through the blog, I realized I never blogged about it, nor had I taken a "before" picture.

You can see it in this picture, though.

And here is the brick in process.

And the final product. (The removal of that ugly lamp/lantern thing is still on our to-do list.)

I was so happy when we completed this. It brightened up the room SO MUCH. And it just made me feel so happy. I have not regretted painting this brick for a second.

So fast forward 1.5 years and we haven't really done anything else.

We had a failed attempt at a vegetable garden.

Mostly because we have no idea what we are doing (even with the Vegetable Gardening for Dummies book I checked out from the library.)

But with all that said, it is all good. We are raising our son and that is enough. We have been traveling and showing him the world there is out there, which is just as important as making a house a home.

So now here we are with our first real project in progress. We were definitely inspired by a posting over at Iheart Organizing, and since the last rearranging of furniture ended up with our living room looking like this...

We My Type A personality decided it was time to copy cat the best playroom organizing we ever did see!

Rick being the ambitious and frugal man he is, decided instead of spending the $180 on the shelves from Ikea, he would steal the dimensions, and build his own custom shelves that would fit perfectly in our space (which he did for about $100).

Plus our shelves have this cute trim Rick added. Which also goes along the lip of where the cushion will be sit.

We still have to make the cushions and find the perfect baskets but we are well on our way to a dual room - turning a formal living room into a hidden playroom. The idea being that we want to be able to hide Cooper's toys on the rare occasion of needing the formal living room space. Thank God for pinterest, because we already have a ton of ideas to use pieces for dual purpose. I am really excited about this project and hope our ADD can focus on this room before moving onto the next.

So here is our Hiding the Playroom To-Do list:

• Paint shelving unit
• Find fabric/foam and upholster the cushions.
• Purchase baskets and go through all of Cooper's toys to get attic the items he doesn't play with.
• Updated wall art - including a space to creatively display Coop's artwork but still fit into our formal living room style
• Create a welcoming entry space (this is the room with our front door)
• Hide Fletch's crate
• Create a dual purpose transportation coffee-table that can be flipped to hide the lanes and tracks.
• Decide what to do with our coat closet and do it! - Currently this is extremely underused and more like an attic space where stuff just sits. We have discussed ripping it out and adding a coat rack to create more space, which would aid in creating a welcoming entry space.

This leaves every single room in the house, some of which need more attention than others. But if we begin with the end in mind and keep our goals SMART, we should be able to accomplish them in no time!

So here is to getting back on track to make our house a home!

little Darth Vader boy

Cooper, my dear sweet, little Darth Vader boy.


I have gotten so used to the staring that I am not even sure it still happens. Occasionally in a moment of weakness, I will look around to see. To see those moms who hold their children close, far away from my child who sounds like he has the worst case of RSV known to man.


It used to make me cry to think about it. I remember sitting in an exam room at the ENT office and asking begging our doctor to do the surgery that could correct it, with thoughts of a teen-aged Cooper trying to ask a girl on a date with this heavy, intense breathing...


He refused of course kindly explained that even if he thought it were a good idea (which he didn't) there wasn't any way insurance would cover such a surgery unless it was interfering with his ability to thrive (which is obviously a non-issue). But when does self-esteem factor into this? How do you assess the impact of those mean kids that are everywhere... they ones with those judgmental moms.


I am 28 years old, a college graduate, am making an awesome career for myself and have crossed over more obstacles than I can count in my years. I have years of grooming, both emotionally and spiritually, to make me bigger than something like noisy breathing. I STILL allow others to affect my weather with their judgmental stares (how dare she bring a sick child like that out in public!) But my son? No, not my sweet son. How can I possibly allow him to grow up like this?


Today, I attempted to explain this to our doctor. Not because I am still on the surgery train, but because I just wanted him to see how sad it makes me. I just wanted him to understand. As soon as I told him I was considering what life would be like for a 6 year old breathing like this, that I was mostly over the staring but I couldn't possibly expect Cooper to be. Dr. Brager whipped around in his chair, looked me dead in the face and said, "He. Will. Not. Sound. Like. This. We. Will. Solve. This. And in the meantime, Cooper can just beat them up."


And its true. He can. He is a healthy, beautiful, smart boy. He is doing everything he should be doing. He is sweeter than pie and is as rad as the 80s. What does it matter if he sounds like this? Grandad says, he will have an advantage over his fellow football players because his opponents will be scared shitless... Oh Grandad...

But he won't. He won't beat them up. He is far too sweet for that. He won't even notice them. He will think the moms are weird and the kids are weirder and will still walk up to them with a love knuckle fist, waiting to make a friend. He will remind mommy that I am the only one who cares that people stare, I am the only one that even notices. And if he ever does pay attention, if he ever realizes, I will let him beat them up. Just like Darth Vadar would.

a boy & a roll of wrapping paper

Cooper has been carrying around a roll of christmas wrapping paper for a few weeks now. He has used it as a walking stick, a telescope, a megaphone, you name it. Today was the day he realized it would unroll. Three seconds later, our den was covered in a red and snowman blanket. The sheer joy the followed was unimaginable. He stomped, jumped, kicked, laid down, even rolled on (and up in) this wrapping paper and laughed until his belly hurt. I, of course, did the same. Moments like these remind me of what an amazing gift it is to be a mother. Bring on the bubble wrap!

a Rice life in the Big Apple!

Shortly before Cooper's first birthday, we had a long weekend planned for the Big Apple! This was Cooper's first trip there and boy was it jam packed!

We did a little bit of everything, baseball games, broadway and even a boat ride through the harbor. Rick's sister and her husband live in Long Island and they were able to come to NYC for the weekend to hang out.

Rick and I also took a train up to Poughkeepsie where we saw my longtime good friend Jacqui marry her best friend. (First 2 photos are from her wedding photographer Andrea Ouellette.)

My love and I :)

It was a wonderful weekend!

Year One Portraits

So I realize Cooper is now 18-months. Quit complaining... here they are! Cooper and his buddy Emery (who is only a mere 6 days older than him) met at Maymont & Byrd parks to take their year portraits together. The two are like brother and sister, loving on it each other followed by a smack in the face! Enjoy!