Can't be upset with T-Rex jokes!

Today was a good day. I woke up at 8am and worked a 6 hour day. I felt more like myself than I have in a week. 

Tonight, I finally felt up to taking Coop to bed. We read his favorite book and had some super sweet snuggle time, something I also haven't felt up to in a week.

As I was getting up to leave, he looked at me and said, "Please don't leave me momma. Please."

And I lost it. I just started crying and couldn't stop. Coop and I went out and found Daddy because I knew I shouldn't be this upset. I know I am not going to die but for some reason I just couldn't stop. I don't want to leave him. Ever. And even with my deep faith it's scary to think about.

Rick took one look at me and said, "You are scared you are going to miss all of this aren't you." It was as if he has been waiting to have this conversation with me.

Rick reminded me that isn't God's plan because he can't raise Griffin and Cooper without me. He, being the light-hearted man that he is, reminded me that he would totally screw them up without my help. (Totally not true, he is a wonderful father.) Then, he started showing me T-Rex jokes, because that is how we feel better, we laugh until we are in tears. And it works.

Up until this point, I haven't allowed myself to entertain the "what-ifs". But they seem to appear out of nowhere and sort of blind side me. Tonight I couldn't get the idea out of my head, what if it is brain cancer? What if it is God's plan to take me?

We don't really know anything yet. The doctors are so vague about everything. I think a part of it is that there is no point in getting me worked up because I am pregnant and we have more than just my brain to worry about. But I also think the doctors really don't know much and without doing more testing that will ultimately put Griffin at more risk, well it is just not worth exploring right now.

Four weeks of unknown. Four weeks before the next storm hits of tests upon tests upon tests. Of figuring out what the heck I am going to do on maternity leave with a newborn I can't be alone with. 

It is really starting to settle in how different life is... how different life will be, yet I can't repeat "I have a brain tumor" enough. It still doesn't feel like real life.

But then I take a deep breath, wipe away the tears and remind myself that I trust God's plan no matter what it is. I have my strong husband at my side, my trusty raincoat on and I really am ready for whatever is on my path. And in the meantime, well it's true, you can't really be upset when you imagine a T-Rex making a bed.