But it never comes.
Faith is a funny thing. You practice your faith regularly, finding the coping mechanisms that work for you. Often one will have mini-crises to "practice" these coping mechanisms so you can figure out what works so when the big crisis comes you are ready.
My dad explained it to me once like a raincoat. You don't wear your raincoat on a sunny day, but when the hurricane comes you put on the raincoat and hope the raincoat protects you. I think all the different things we have had to deal with over the past year were getting me ready for this because this time, I just put on my raincoat and I was good to go.
I trust God. I trust his plan for me and without a doubt, trust that everything happens according to a bigger plan. It is our job to pay attention to the signs so we can learn what we are supposed to be learning. I watch others go through hard times and I think about how I would react, the way I hope that I would behave, but you never really know how you will until you are in those shoes. I am learning that my practice paid off. I trust my raincoat of faith and when the hurricane comes I put it on and am set.
Don't get me wrong, I cried. I have cried and I am sure there are more tears in the future but not the angry, "why me" crying.
The first time was when Dr. Knapp and Dr. Ransom told me they found a spot on my brain and would be calling in a neurosurgeon. That cry was almost instantaneous. It was like I took a deep breath and a sob at the same time. Rick was in the corner of the room, Dr. Knapp sitting on the chair looking at the floor and Dr. Ransom standing next to me. Even my nurse was in the room with us. She was just as worried as the rest of them.
Rick immediately came and sat on the bed with me as I pulled myself together. I let them talk about the plan, the tests, what was to come. When they all left, our nurse lingered for a few minutes. She said she was here if I needed her. She said she could let me cry on her shoulder since she knew my mom was out of town. She said she knew right now, my husband and I needed to be alone but she would be right outside if I needed her. She was an angel.
And we did cry. Both of us. Not for long, but we got it out. I remember asking Rick if this was real. I don't think he responded.
Recently, a friend from high school was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Nothing about a diagnosis like that is easy. Nothing about facing cancer in the face is something you do without a thought. But this woman, with grace and dignity did. She told cancer she was going to kick its ass and then some and the way she talked about it, it was as if she was welcoming the challenge with open arms.
From the moment I first found out, I was very drawn to her blog. Her positive outlook and determination were extremely admirable. I can even remember thinking, I hope in the face of a trial like that, that I too will be able to handle it with grace and dignity and positivity. [You can read about her journey here.]
So here I am. Ready to tackle whatever it is that is being handed to me. Maybe its seizures or migraines or maybe just tumors. Maybe it will never amount to anything and I will just have to see a neurologist regularly. Maybe I will have to have brain surgery or take medicine for the rest of my life. I have no idea what is to come.
I do know that God is on my side. He has got my back and about 100+ other people from all different parts of my short 28 years. I know that the faith I have is strong and that God would never give me something I can't handle. I know that I may not be 100% equipped for what is to come but God will give me the tools I need. I know that I am thankful it is me because I know I can handle it. I am thankful God has faith in me to show the world that faith can conquer all and that is an honor.
So bring it brain tumors, give it your best shot because this momma has a lot of life to live and there is nothing getting in the way of that.
No comments:
Post a Comment