30 Before 30: Learn to make baby food

Today I checked #15 off my 30 before 30 list!

We started baby cereal just over a week or so ago. Slim is loving it so onto the next big milestone in our sweet baby's life, baby food!

Here is what I bought at the grocery store:
3 apples (gala)
2 pears
1 avocado
1 bag frozen peas
1 sweet potato

I used a Baeba Babycook which I got used and the lady threw in a set of One Step Ahead storage cups and I had also received a solid food storage kit as baby gift as well (Thanks Shannon F.!). The best thing about the baeba is that I didn't have to separately steam! It is all in one and SUPER easy to use. I rinsed the cooking bowl between each batch and even that wasn't too bad. 

Total prep of dicing all of the fruits and veggies took about 20 minutes. I also received an awesome apple corer and peeler as a baby gift (Thanks Katie W.!) which saved a TON of time with the apples and pears.

I don't think this could have been easier. I got all of the fruits and veggies chopped and ready to go into the baeba. While each batch steamed (which took about 15 minutes) I could fold a load of laundry. The total process from start to finish took just under 2.5 hours and yielded 57 ounces of baby food.

3 apples = 17 oz

2 pears = 9 oz
1 avocado = 6 oz
1 bag frozen peas = 12 oz
1 sweet potato = 13 oz

Slim had an oz of sweet potatoes with his oatmeal at lunch and loved it! The rest of the food I put into the freezer and will pop them out of the trays and store them in a ziplock bag.

Total cost $5.13 which ends up at just 9 cents per oz compared to the ready made Gerber food which comes in just under 60 cents per oz AND I know exactly what is in Slim's food. Sounds like a win-win to me! 

Getting Over the 3-month Hump!

So when we made it to 12 weeks in Griffin's exclusively breastmilk diet were beyond proud. (As before, if you do not wish to read about nursing, stop reading now!)

Here we are another month later and still holding strong! There was about 10 days during month 3, I was one hungry baby cry away from going to Target to buy formula. 

I hate pumping. Like despise it. It isn't painful, just really annoying. The majority of my job is working on projects, large projects that require lots of focus with lots of planning and lots of organization. Already the environment I am in has constant interruptions, and with my office off-site and my current driving situation (just one month left!!), it is hard to pull myself from my work to find a quiet place to pump that won't interrupt my focus and productivity.

Some mothers pump and get as much or more than what their baby would get if nursing. Sadly, I am not one of those. My body doesn't respond to the pump the way it does to my baby. I have to pump double the amount of times he feeds to keep up. So when he was eating 3 bottles at school, I was pumping 6 times. Usually one or 2 were at home in between feedings. I was starting to get sick of pumping around the clock, even when I was with my baby just to keep up. Enter the 3 month growth spurt and there went almost my entire freezer supply.

When I unfroze the last bag of freezer milk, I accepted the end was near. We had made it further than we ever expected and we would be proud of that. I told Rick I felt like this might be the end of our nursing relationship and he as supportive as ever, reminded me that Griffin would be just fine.

But for some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to let go. We had already made it this far!!I read the 3 month growth spurt is the hardest point and if you could get over that hump you would be golden and things get so much easier after that. I just wasn't ready to quit. So I ordered fenugreek, made myself drink the required 64oz of water a day, tried to stay busy during my pump breaks so I would stop stressing about how much was coming out (apparently that has a psychological effect on your let-down) and started nursing Griffin right before he went to class so he wouldn't need as much expressed milk. One week later, we were finally making it all work. The end didn't feel so near anymore. But, I was still only making enough to have a happy baby and get through day by day. I still wasn't able to put anything in the freezer.

We have our 5 year anniversary trip planned in August which means leaving the boys for 3 days, which means I need 3 days worth of milk in our freezer by August 15th. I decided if I had to supplement for a weekend, as disappointing as it would be, I would because this trip is that important to us.

Then something miraculous happened. Griffin slept through the night. SIX HOURS of uninterrupted sleep. And then he slept through another night this time SEVEN HOURS. Then another and another. One week later (which was last night he slept TEN HOURS! He is feeding before bed sometime between 730-830pm then not again until 530-6am.  I have continued to pump before I go to bed sometime between 10/11 which is forcing me to take some time to myself and that milk goes straight to the freezer. It isn't much each day but we are getting there! I am hopeful we will have enough for our anniversary weekend.

The next growth spurt will result in cereal/baby food and then the start of weaning begins. I just can't believe it! I am feeling so elated we have made it this far but like everything else, so bittersweet our sweet baby boy is growing so fast. I am really growing to love my private time with Griffin now (which is sometimes propped up against a bathroom wall as if I am sitting in an imaginary chair), especially since it has opened my flexibility up be able to have mornings with my little dude.

I feel like we are (finally) past the worst of it and nursing is actually easier than bottle feeding. I am excited that Griffin won't be attached to the bottle like Cooper was (ugh, I cringe even thinking back to weaning Coop from the bottle). I am most excited we made it another month and if we make it to 12, that will be cool and if we don't, that will be okay, too.

Happy 12 weeks Baby G!

Our sweet Griffin Scot is 12 weeks (officially tomorrow)!! I can't believe we are already here!

I think as parents, each passing day is so much more special than the one before and we truly forget how hard the first 6-8 weeks are, how much the goal is just survival. But we made it. Griffin is sleeping 5+ hour stretches consistently at night and spends most of his waking hours alert with lots of smiles and cooing.

This also marks 12 weeks of exclusive breastmilk! Please stop reading now if this makes you squeamish as this post is mostly about nursing... I am beyond proud we have made it this far and want to remember this for years to come.

Cooper and I only made it a about 5 days nursing and we started supplementing pretty early on with formula. I'd like to blame it all on the stomach bug I got around 8 weeks but truly it was the lack of knowledge I had. The first time around there is SO MUCH to learn. So much information, people's opinions, what is right and best and healthiest and it made it very difficult for me to give focus to every aspect of having a child. I have since learned, all of that is there the second time around as well but I am better able to tune it out.

Cooper is an awesome kid. Even had I been able to breastfeed him longer, I still believe we would've ended up in the ER countless times and I am not sure if I could go back in time and avoid all of that I would. We learned SO MUCH about parenting, sacrifices and fighting for our son. Rick and I learned a ton about our relationship with each other, things to hold on to and things that make us stronger and Cooper is and will be stronger because of all of it, stronger than any amount of breastmilk could've given him.

But this time around, I already knew how to hold a newborn and swaddle a newborn and change a diaper and function off of 2 hours of sleep so I went into this birth hoping to give more time and energy to nursing. Even with the recognition that I don't really think Cooper's path would've been much different, I still wanted to give Griffin the best shot I could not to have a repeat of respiratory problems.

When we found out Griffin was to be born at 35 weeks, I became super stressed. I was sure this would destroy any plans of nursing and that we should just give up before we began. Instead, I got proactive and educated myself. I took a breastfeeding class (that my wonderful husband attended with me) and stayed after to talk with the instructor, about what having a preemie would mean for our nursing relationship and why it was even more important I stuck with the plan. The biggest thing I learned from Cooper's birth was to focus on the things I can control and let go of everything else. I couldn't do anything about my brain tumor, I couldn't do much about the scheduled C-section at 35 weeks and I definitely had no control over whether Griffin would end up in the NICU or anything that would happen there. But as a mother, the choice to feed formula or breastmilk was my choice as long as my body allowed. It would be a lot of work but it was up to me.

Going into Griffin's delivery, I was very hopeful we would be able to nurse right after and begin this special bond that in my mind was accompanied with harps and singing and white flowy sheets blowing in the wind. Sadly, with the neonatal team waiting in the corner of the OR on the day that was supposed to just be pre-op testing (read Griffin's birth story here), I realized that was highly unlikely. I turned my attention and energy toward a healthy delivery (accompanied with a healthy seizure-free mommy) with the understanding that Griffin would end up in the NICU and that was going to be okay. It would all be okay. Everything would be okay, just as it always has been with Cooper and would always be with Griffin.

I started asking for a pump the moment I got to the recovery room. I asked every time I saw a nurse until they finally brought me one. I pumped every 2 hours the first 2 days to stimulate what Griffin would do if he was with me. I asked for a lactation consultant to advocate for me in the NICU and asked every nurse and doctor if today was the day they would let me nurse. Thankfully, when Griffin was able to keep his stats steady in a way that they never forced formula and even when he was finally allowed breast milk, he didn't have to have any kind of milk fortifier. When he finally turned the corner, they let us try nursing before every feeding. When I was discharged it was even more difficult because I couldn't drive nor could I be called on to arrive in minutes for another go. Even with the help of the nurses, we just couldn't get the hang of it.

On day 7, he was allowed to go home. Without the doctor's strict orders to have at least 40CC's per feeding, we were able to try nursing a little more exclusively. Each feeding resulted in a very hungry baby and a very sad and frustrated mommy. I turned to the bottle at every feeding. I kept telling myself it was okay though because he was still getting breast milk and he was home and healthy and all this while being 3 weeks shy of his due date!

We went to the pediatrician on day 9, 2 days after discharge to ensure he was gaining weight properly. I purposefully made the appointment with lactation specialist on staff in hopes she could give us some tips and build a relationship with us since preemies are said to take longer learning to breastfeed. She suggested we try a nipple shield which helps babies latch.

Griffin never needed another bottle again. My stress level went down because he could finally latch, I gained confidence and he gained weight. It still wasn't easy. During the first growth spurt, I really thought I would give up. And then again this one day when I barely ate anything and 24 hours later he was nursing more often than he did through that previous growth spurt (due to lack of calories). But we had already come so far, baby G and me, every time I thought I'd give up, we pushed through.

We reintroduced the bottles 4 weeks later to practice for my return to work. The first few were really hard on all of us, but by day 4, G had the hang of it and was still nursing very well. I was feeling more confident than ever.

The first week of work was great. G took bottles no problem and I was making what he needed. But during week 2, I just wasn't making enough. I added extra pumpings and a started drinking more water and just couldn't seem to keep up. By the end of week 2, I was sure we wouldn't last another week. And realized with the help of some wonderful friends I needed to relax and let go. And everything sort of fell into place after that.

Through this whole process I have learned a lot of things.

• Don't listen to anyone but yourself. I thought I had learned that before but realized with Cooper, I was breastfeeding because I was told I should. This time I wanted to breastfeed. This time was successful because my motivate gave me the determination it requires, especially for a working mother with a busy social life.
• Stress makes everything worse. My wonderful best friend has reminded me on several occasions that my pre-Griffin outlook was to breastfeed as long as my body allowed. Once we got the hang of it, I got so wrapped up in making it to G's first birthday, I forgot about that. The moment I started taking it one day at a time, the stress melted away and the breastfeeding went so much better. I am finding that each day I am able to provide this for my son is a celebration in itself.
• For us, there is no nipple confusion. G takes the paci when he wants comfort, the bottle when he is away from me and nurses great when we are together. The amount of milk he gets, the length of a feeding and the length between feedings varies breast vs. bottle but we have seemed to adjust to all of that as well.
• For the working moms out there, I learned that successful breastfeeding mothers have to pump at home during the week in order to make it all work. I have to pump in between feedings at home to make up the extra milk he drinks at school, which is easier now that he is sleeping such long stretches at night.
• All the things those baby sites say about not eating feta cheese while preggo and making sure not to get strollers that have high levels of BPA in them, simply don't matter. The same sites say that breastfeeding is this beautiful, wonderful bonding experience (hence the illusion of billowy sheets and harps) and some days I didn't even want to be in the same room as Griffin because all he would want to do is nurse. I found I just had to do what felt right. Sometimes what feels right in this moment doesn't feel right in the next, either. Breastfeeding just didn't work with Cooper and that is okay. It is okay that he was on formula and he is turning out to be one smart (almost) healthy kid.

I hope to make G's baby food and turn our whole family organic one day, but right now one more day of exclusive breastmilk is enough. I am learning to celebrate the small victories and to be just be proud of that. My goal of making it to March 26th just isn't as important as remembering to enjoy every minute of this crazy Rice life because boy is it flying by!

Reflections from Griffin's first week.

First off, I owe a fact based post about how everything happened. I owe a post that will probably end up being one of my favorites about Griffin meeting his big brother for the first time. But for now, I need to just reflect on my emotions. The roller coaster I rode this last week has been the rockiest of all rides. One that I knew would end, but was scary nonetheless. 

We have had some pretty intense weeks in the last year. Between Cooper's respiratory issues and my brain troubles, we just can't seem to catch a break.

I am not angry about it. I choose not to be. I choose to look at it in such a way that gives me strength to overcome it, in a way that I take it as a compliment because God sure wouldn't be giving us these situations if we couldn't handle it.

But that does not make it easy. Phew! This has been the week of all weeks.

When Cooper was sick as a newborn and as a 2 year old it sucked. It really sucked. I hate that word but it really is in the only word that fits how I feel. I had to go through those things with Cooper to be able to halfway handle what has gone on this past week. I do know that to be true. But the difference is that I was with Cooper every second. I slept in his room, I was there for almost every nurse assessment and every doctor visit. I was there for the breathing treatments, the lab work, the iv changes, the tests upon test upon tests, the incident where Cooper stopped breathing and had to get a nasal piece with oxygen, I was there for all of it. I didn't have to fill in the idle time with mindless tasks and I was able to hold Cooper when he was scared and take a break from it all when I was too scared. (My wonderful husband and father would swap out so I could run home to grab a shower, usually to melt down, so I could be strong at the hospital and grab clean clothes for Cooper and I.)

This past week I had my own healing to do. I had just had a major surgery to deliver my littlest man 4 weeks early in order to figure out what the heck is going on in my head. My sweet baby Griffin was in the NICU hooked up to so many machines, I couldn't even hold him. When I first met him after delivery, I had to be pushed in a wheelchair and sitting up made me dizzy. They weren't going to let me go if I told them the room was spinning so I had to lie. I had to learn to be away from my sweet baby. I sat in the hospital room and cried because I felt like I was in the Antepartum unit 4 weeks prior except now I didn't have my sweet baby safe in my belly. He was out and was gone. 

The day after delivery was when the flood gates opened. I didn't even see it coming, I just kind of lost it. I was crying because I was overwhelmed and sad and frustrated and sad and EXHAUSTED, (I hadn't slept AT ALL on Tuesday night) and sad and so worried that I would be one of those crazy mothers that never connected to her baby.

Here I am in a hospital room, without the baby I just delivered, without any more answers regarding my brain... the whole reason we delivered early, my 35w 6d old baby struggling to breath in the NICU and a wonderfully, finally healthy 2.5 year old son I felt so far away from. It was awful.

Rick didn't know what to do, the nurses didn't know what to do. I couldn't even talk I was crying so hard. Mollie Anderson, oh the wonderful Ms. Mollie as we call her (Coop's pulmonary CPNP) had come to visit and she knew what to do. She said you go see that baby. You go see him as much as you can. 

So I did. Every chance I got. The nurses started joking about how much I was walking. ("We always see you coming and going!") A few times, the nurses called the NICU to let me know I was due for a medicine or that someone was here to visit. Every morning I would go see him the second I woke up and really only went back to my room to pump or  eat. I tried to nap at least once a day as well.

The walking helped my pain from surgery. It helped me get the air out of my abdomen and helped me keep from getting too sore. The visits helped me connect with that beautiful boy. Each day was a little bit better. Each day Griffin had turned another corner.
I used my middle of the night pumping to pray. I prayed for every single baby in the NICU. Every single parent that was feeling the same things I was, and many were feeling worse. When Cooper visited I tried to interact with him as much as I could. I hugged him and kissed him and held him and talked with him. Each passing hour was a little bit easier. I found taking each hour by hour was easier than each day by day. 

I got proactive. I had my OB call the neurologist and move my MRI up and get it out of the way. I asked questions of the nurses and doctors and tried to understand everything. I advocated for my son and learned the goals he had and helped him reach them. I pointed it out when he was maintaining a pulsox of 99 and he could probably stand to turn his oxygen down. I asked about baths and nursing and holding him until they agreed. Giving Griff a bath was so wonderful. I felt better just seeing him clean and refreshed and knew he had to as well. 

Above all I continued to tell myself that we could handle this. My sweet little family was going to be together soon enough and we had this covered. We just got through news of spots on my brain for crying out loud, we could handle two tiny premature lungs and the complications that come with them. We had learned the lesson many times before and this situation was no different. Leave it in God's hands. Trust that he's got it and let go.

The next day, everything turned around. Friday was Griffin's day. He turned the corner and each hour was just a bit brighter. Each time I came back to visit, there was good news to share.Each passing moment was a testament that we could get through this just like everything before it with God's help. We just had to trust him and like always let go.