I think as parents, each passing day is so much more special than the one before and we truly forget how hard the first 6-8 weeks are, how much the goal is just survival. But we made it. Griffin is sleeping 5+ hour stretches consistently at night and spends most of his waking hours alert with lots of smiles and cooing.
This also marks 12 weeks of exclusive breastmilk! Please stop reading now if this makes you squeamish as this post is mostly about nursing... I am beyond proud we have made it this far and want to remember this for years to come.
Cooper and I only made it a about 5 days nursing and we started supplementing pretty early on with formula. I'd like to blame it all on the stomach bug I got around 8 weeks but truly it was the lack of knowledge I had. The first time around there is SO MUCH to learn. So much information, people's opinions, what is right and best and healthiest and it made it very difficult for me to give focus to every aspect of having a child. I have since learned, all of that is there the second time around as well but I am better able to tune it out.
Cooper is an awesome kid. Even had I been able to breastfeed him longer, I still believe we would've ended up in the ER countless times and I am not sure if I could go back in time and avoid all of that I would. We learned SO MUCH about parenting, sacrifices and fighting for our son. Rick and I learned a ton about our relationship with each other, things to hold on to and things that make us stronger and Cooper is and will be stronger because of all of it, stronger than any amount of breastmilk could've given him.
But this time around, I already knew how to hold a newborn and swaddle a newborn and change a diaper and function off of 2 hours of sleep so I went into this birth hoping to give more time and energy to nursing. Even with the recognition that I don't really think Cooper's path would've been much different, I still wanted to give Griffin the best shot I could not to have a repeat of respiratory problems.
When we found out Griffin was to be born at 35 weeks, I became super stressed. I was sure this would destroy any plans of nursing and that we should just give up before we began. Instead, I got proactive and educated myself. I took a breastfeeding class (that my wonderful husband attended with me) and stayed after to talk with the instructor, about what having a preemie would mean for our nursing relationship and why it was even more important I stuck with the plan. The biggest thing I learned from Cooper's birth was to focus on the things I can control and let go of everything else. I couldn't do anything about my brain tumor, I couldn't do much about the scheduled C-section at 35 weeks and I definitely had no control over whether Griffin would end up in the NICU or anything that would happen there. But as a mother, the choice to feed formula or breastmilk was my choice as long as my body allowed. It would be a lot of work but it was up to me.
Going into Griffin's delivery, I was very hopeful we would be able to nurse right after and begin this special bond that in my mind was accompanied with harps and singing and white flowy sheets blowing in the wind. Sadly, with the neonatal team waiting in the corner of the OR on the day that was supposed to just be pre-op testing (read Griffin's birth story here), I realized that was highly unlikely. I turned my attention and energy toward a healthy delivery (accompanied with a healthy seizure-free mommy) with the understanding that Griffin would end up in the NICU and that was going to be okay. It would all be okay. Everything would be okay, just as it always has been with Cooper and would always be with Griffin.
I started asking for a pump the moment I got to the recovery room. I asked every time I saw a nurse until they finally brought me one. I pumped every 2 hours the first 2 days to stimulate what Griffin would do if he was with me. I asked for a lactation consultant to advocate for me in the NICU and asked every nurse and doctor if today was the day they would let me nurse. Thankfully, when Griffin was able to keep his stats steady in a way that they never forced formula and even when he was finally allowed breast milk, he didn't have to have any kind of milk fortifier. When he finally turned the corner, they let us try nursing before every feeding. When I was discharged it was even more difficult because I couldn't drive nor could I be called on to arrive in minutes for another go. Even with the help of the nurses, we just couldn't get the hang of it.
On day 7, he was allowed to go home. Without the doctor's strict orders to have at least 40CC's per feeding, we were able to try nursing a little more exclusively. Each feeding resulted in a very hungry baby and a very sad and frustrated mommy. I turned to the bottle at every feeding. I kept telling myself it was okay though because he was still getting breast milk and he was home and healthy and all this while being 3 weeks shy of his due date!
We went to the pediatrician on day 9, 2 days after discharge to ensure he was gaining weight properly. I purposefully made the appointment with lactation specialist on staff in hopes she could give us some tips and build a relationship with us since preemies are said to take longer learning to breastfeed. She suggested we try a nipple shield which helps babies latch.
Griffin never needed another bottle again. My stress level went down because he could finally latch, I gained confidence and he gained weight. It still wasn't easy. During the first growth spurt, I really thought I would give up. And then again this one day when I barely ate anything and 24 hours later he was nursing more often than he did through that previous growth spurt (due to lack of calories). But we had already come so far, baby G and me, every time I thought I'd give up, we pushed through.
We reintroduced the bottles 4 weeks later to practice for my return to work. The first few were really hard on all of us, but by day 4, G had the hang of it and was still nursing very well. I was feeling more confident than ever.
The first week of work was great. G took bottles no problem and I was making what he needed. But during week 2, I just wasn't making enough. I added extra pumpings and a started drinking more water and just couldn't seem to keep up. By the end of week 2, I was sure we wouldn't last another week. And realized with the help of some wonderful friends I needed to relax and let go. And everything sort of fell into place after that.
Through this whole process I have learned a lot of things.
- Don't listen to anyone but yourself. I thought I had learned that before but realized with Cooper, I was breastfeeding because I was told I should. This time I wanted to breastfeed. This time was successful because my motivate gave me the determination it requires, especially for a working mother with a busy social life.
- Stress makes everything worse. My wonderful best friend has reminded me on several occasions that my pre-Griffin outlook was to breastfeed as long as my body allowed. Once we got the hang of it, I got so wrapped up in making it to G's first birthday, I forgot about that. The moment I started taking it one day at a time, the stress melted away and the breastfeeding went so much better. I am finding that each day I am able to provide this for my son is a celebration in itself.
- For us, there is no nipple confusion. G takes the paci when he wants comfort, the bottle when he is away from me and nurses great when we are together. The amount of milk he gets, the length of a feeding and the length between feedings varies breast vs. bottle but we have seemed to adjust to all of that as well.
- For the working moms out there, I learned that successful breastfeeding mothers have to pump at home during the week in order to make it all work. I have to pump in between feedings at home to make up the extra milk he drinks at school, which is easier now that he is sleeping such long stretches at night.
- All the things those baby sites say about not eating feta cheese while preggo and making sure not to get strollers that have high levels of BPA in them, simply don't matter. The same sites say that breastfeeding is this beautiful, wonderful bonding experience (hence the illusion of billowy sheets and harps) and some days I didn't even want to be in the same room as Griffin because all he would want to do is nurse. I found I just had to do what felt right. Sometimes what feels right in this moment doesn't feel right in the next, either. Breastfeeding just didn't work with Cooper and that is okay. It is okay that he was on formula and he is turning out to be one smart (almost) healthy kid.
I hope to make G's baby food and turn our whole family organic one day, but right now one more day of exclusive breastmilk is enough. I am learning to celebrate the small victories and to be just be proud of that. My goal of making it to March 26th just isn't as important as remembering to enjoy every minute of this crazy Rice life because boy is it flying by!
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