I am ready!

I mentioned a few posts back that I never know when those moments that knock me off my feet will come. Those moments when I realize I do, in fact, have a few tears to go along with this crazy situation I am in. Sometimes its my sweet Cooper, just being sweet. Sometimes its an insensitive comment (well at least that's how I take it) from a co-worker or a stressful project that just can't seem to get finished. 

Usually, I just cry for a few minutes, but sometimes like the time I wrote in that post, I cry in my husband's arms for a lot longer. One thing they all have in common, I am caught completely and utterly off guard.

Talking about my brain tumors is something I have gotten used to. I talk and joke constantly because it makes me feel a little better and I know it makes those around me feel a little better, too. (I am not really into that giant elephant in the room mentality.)

For example,
Rick and I are driving home from doing a little baby G shopping...
R: I think I am going to shave my beard.
Me: Oh, really? I love that idea! (Everyone knows how much I hate when it gets too burly.)
R: Well, you may not like the way I want to shave it. I am thinking of shaving my hair short and doing a goatee... (insert more descriptions of nonsense...)
Me: Oh no, you would do that to your beautiful wife? Your beautiful wife with a brain tumor?
R: Oh, you didn't take it there.
Me: Oh yes, I did and I will keep taking it there if it means you not looking like that!

The jokes are pretty regular. When someone hears me joke for the first time, they don't know how to react but then they get used to it. I know its a defense mechanism but it works.

Its not the big conversations that are hard. It's the ones that blindside me. That make me feel like I got slapped in the face.

It is the letter from the neurologist that tells me the approved over-the-counter medications I can take (which is a total of 7 in 4 categories pain, cold/congestion, stomach upset, and diarrhea). Cross reference that against the approved list from my OB and we are down to 4. (Sayonara sleep aids, hello 11 more days of pregnancy insomnia.)

It was not so much the exhaustion and boy am I exhausted. It wasn't even the fact that I can't really take anything for anything, I have been dealing with that for 8 months now. It was the fact the title of the sheet read, "Approved OTC medications for Epilepsy."

Epilepsy?!

I think these neurologists have little to no sensitivity. Or perhaps I am just a ticking time bomb. (Okay, let's be real, its probably more of the latter.)

But, Epilepsy?!

I mean come on. No one has diagnosed me. No one has confirmed seizures. And all I wanted to do was cry.

But this time I didn't. I got blindsided, slapped in the face by the realization this is in fact, real life and I didn't cry.

I guess I actually am processing all of this and getting stronger each step of the way. I guess my trusty raincoat is protecting me, keeping me focused and prepared for whatever comes my way. Because giving up isn't an option and God is continuing to equip me for whatever is next. And I am ready.