Happy Birthday, Griffin!

This time last year...

This seems to be a reoccurring theme in the few posts I make time for these days.

This time last year, I was begging and pleading with our nurses to let me see my baby. Begging and pleading to let me out of my bed. To give me a breast pump so I could be proactive and actually DO SOMETHING besides wonder what was going on with my baby and look at a scary picture of my baby with the Cpap on that was tapped to the white board with my nurses name and other insignificant information since my baby wasn't with me...

This would be the last scariest moment after a day full of 'em.

Like the moment when I got a phone call from a St. Mary's nurse as I closed my eyes to take a final nap just after my mom dropped me off from my pre-op blood work. The phone call that said I need to return to the hospital... immediately.

And the moment I realized my OBGYN was beeping in to tell me she just spoke with St. Mary's and I needed to get back to the hospital... immediately and she was headed there to meet me.

And the moment I called my mom to tell her through tears she needed to turn around and take me back to the hospital.

And the moment when my dad was the one to show up to drive me back, because he and my mom KNEW something was wrong.

And the moment when my husband called to tell me he was 3 hours away and I needed to keep him posted as I refused his return now because that would make this whirlwind real. And scary.

And the moment when my OBGYN let me know that we would be delivering the baby as soon as the anesthesiologist cleared me for a spinal.

And the moment I realized my dad snuck out of my hospital room to call Rick and tell him to get back to town because he was sure Griffin was coming today. (Thank you Dad!)

And the moment I saw Rick's face less than 30 minutes before surgery, before our sweet Griffin made his unexpected delivery, realizing without my dad's call he may have missed it.

And the moment, I heard my sweet baby cry. It was sweet and barely there, but a cry nonetheless.

And the moment when I got to lay eyes on that baby boy. That baby boy who is so much more than I could ever imagine. Love, joy and the apple of his brother's eye. Those moments make all the other ones worth it.

This time last year began the journey of being a true mother. After the year we had with Cooper, it proved to be what I needed to begin my advocacy for Griffin. Monitoring his stats, speaking with our NICU doctor, getting the nurses on our side. Reminding them his pulox was improving and his stats were remaining stable and encouraging life without any aids.

I realize in this moment right now, Cooper's medical troubles were about preparing us for what was to come, to my brain troubles and to Griffin's entrance. And as scary as all of the moments were and will always be in our memory, it is this moment right now that I sit, after Griffin's first birthday, remembering the good doesn't feel good without the bad. Tonight was so much more than a first birthday party. It was a celebration of my tiny family of 4. Of love. Of laughter. Of being strong no matter what comes our way and remembering our love will conquer all because it already has.

March of Dimes - March for Babies 2014

I had the privilege of attending the March of Dimes March for Babies Kick-off brunch this morning. It was way more emotional than I expected but also so inspiring.

Many of the speakers shared their own personal experiences with their own babies in the NICU (one of which was in my first preschool class, small world right?!). They shared stories of their children being too excited to join this world, eager to meet their siblings and impatient to know what this world would be like.

My story is a little different in that Griffin was happy in my belly. It was my body that wasn't happy. And although he was still early, earlier than anyone wanted, he was still so much later than MANY babies end up being. My story isn't one of months in the NICU with lots of intervention, but today I recognized our story is no less touching, or beautiful, or worthy of sharing to inspire others to work together for stronger, healthier babies.

I am thankful for the beautiful anti-partum nurse who peeled me off my bed and let me sneak out on bedrest, 31 weeks pregnant after just finishing the conversation with my husband of what we would do if he had to choose, mommy or baby. Ya know, the conversation you should never have to have with your husband. Because she knew if I sat in that bed a second longer I would literally lose it.

I am so thankful for the research that made my son's arrival less of an emergency even in the emergency that resulted in the 3rd rescheduled c-section. Without the research and the babies who came before him, Griffin's chance may not have been as great and NOTHING about the NICU is easy.

I am so thankful for the journal the March of Dimes gave us in the NICU that got me through those first few emotional days. The one that did more than ask our baby's first smile and leave a place for his first lock of hair. But one that asked about who was present during delivery, including the neonatolgists and NICU nurses, the day he was able to have drops of breastmilk, eat without a feeding tube and the day he got off oxygen, making it feel okay and comforted that we were not the first to live through this.

Celebrating my Griffin's Birthday

Today I am feeling more charged than ever to be an Ambassador family for the March of Dimes. Us moms, start out thinking pregnancy will have its ups and downs but no one envisions going through the trials and tribulations that come with days, weeks and months of the NICU. I am excited to share our story, to show how important it is to support this cause and help many who come after our Griffin. I hope you will join me and my little Rice family. Walk with us, donate money or simply spread the word of why the March of Dimes is so important.

Love conquers ALL.

One year ago today, Rick and I received the scariest news of our lives. One year ago today, our love and faith were challenged in a way we never expected. One year ago today, we came out on the other side knowing the plan for us and our family was beautiful and of God's amazing plan. In the face of uncertainty, this year has been the best of our life. Today I affirm today's MRI will just be a box to check and this too shall pass. We are so blessed to have an amazing and large support system comprised of all levels of relationships and I ask that you affirm the same.

That was yesterday.

Shortly after posting this on facebook, I realized how big our support group truly is.

I come from an amazing support system. I have a wonderful family, filled with siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends that are more like family and family friends I haven't seen in ages but still are on my daily prayer list. I come from and amazing work family, I had an amazing staff, with wonderful bosses, coworkers and a great set of families. Families that cared about me and families that also cared about my husband and children. Coworkers who texted daily and sought out my progress. My wonderful support system went through all of this with me. They sent baskets, made dinner for my family and sent more prayers and positive vibes than I could ever fathom. Not just to me but to my husband who had to be strong for us, to my children both the big brother and my unborn son who could've ended up without a mother had this not gone the way we had prayed it would.

Phew! Sometimes it takes me reading my old posts to remember how heavy all of this weighed last year, a year ago yesterday.

I never thought at the time that I could possibly replicate all of that amazing support in a new environment. But I left Wyndham in hopes to make an impact on a new program. I never dreamed that I would find another nurse, like that of the ones I had at Wyndham that could possibly care for Cooper without having been through our peanut and pneumonia drama. I never expected to find a staff that would rejoice when I walked in after my neurosurgeon appointment and that they would cheers, hug and high five me.

But I did.

I haven't replaced my old support system, I have doubled it. I now have double the amazing mentors, doubled the families that care not only about me, but also about my strong husband and beautiful children and doubled the employees that are going to worry when I am not there and take the time to ask how my appointments go. Even though they didn't go through the scary part with me.

Today, my neurosurgeon informed me that he and the radiologist are leaning on the side that this "spot" on my brain is more likely a hematoma, something I was born with and will have the rest of my life. They said it could possibly still be a low grade brain tumor but being that it hasn't changed at all, they don't need to see me for 12 months and if it continues to stay stagnant, I wont have to return after that.

To walk through my school today, having only been there for 2 months and get hugs, high fives and pure joy was so wonderful. To see likes and comments on facebook from people I have lost touch with was astonishing. I am so thankful that each moment has led me to this one. I now know the amazing power a group can have striving toward one goal and this is no different. I am so proud of the family I come from, both that of non-blood and of blood and the beautiful love you all, every single one of you, has shown my little Rice family. I know the faith II carry plays a role in how all of this has panned out, but there is not a second that goes by that I don't recognize, I could not have done this without  ALL OF YOU. 

So thank you. For loving me. For loving my husband. For loving my kids. For caring enough to focus a second, or a minute, or an hour, or the entire day on a positive outcome. For supporting us in every way you could. I know I would not be sitting here, rejoicing in our positive news with out all of you. You are the village that we needed to turn such an awful thing into this amazing year.

One year ago today, I learned that love is thicker than blood and work life and church life. Love connects us and can truly conquer all. I hope you will ALL feel the power of the love we have felt and will continue to pass on.

30 Before 30: Learn to make baby food

Today I checked #15 off my 30 before 30 list!

We started baby cereal just over a week or so ago. Slim is loving it so onto the next big milestone in our sweet baby's life, baby food!

Here is what I bought at the grocery store:
3 apples (gala)
2 pears
1 avocado
1 bag frozen peas
1 sweet potato

I used a Baeba Babycook which I got used and the lady threw in a set of One Step Ahead storage cups and I had also received a solid food storage kit as baby gift as well (Thanks Shannon F.!). The best thing about the baeba is that I didn't have to separately steam! It is all in one and SUPER easy to use. I rinsed the cooking bowl between each batch and even that wasn't too bad. 

Total prep of dicing all of the fruits and veggies took about 20 minutes. I also received an awesome apple corer and peeler as a baby gift (Thanks Katie W.!) which saved a TON of time with the apples and pears.

I don't think this could have been easier. I got all of the fruits and veggies chopped and ready to go into the baeba. While each batch steamed (which took about 15 minutes) I could fold a load of laundry. The total process from start to finish took just under 2.5 hours and yielded 57 ounces of baby food.

3 apples = 17 oz

2 pears = 9 oz
1 avocado = 6 oz
1 bag frozen peas = 12 oz
1 sweet potato = 13 oz

Slim had an oz of sweet potatoes with his oatmeal at lunch and loved it! The rest of the food I put into the freezer and will pop them out of the trays and store them in a ziplock bag.

Total cost $5.13 which ends up at just 9 cents per oz compared to the ready made Gerber food which comes in just under 60 cents per oz AND I know exactly what is in Slim's food. Sounds like a win-win to me! 

Put your best foot forward...

...and get out of the way.

That is my Dad's way of saying, you are not in control. Let go. Let God. 

People ask me all the time how I do it.

How did you get through a sickly child who stopped breathing and had to be rushed via ambulance to the hospital from his preschool?

How did you get through finding out you had a brain tumor when you were 31 weeks pregnant?

How did you bring your 35 week old baby into this world unsure of what would come after?
How did you stay positive when any other person would crumble?

How do you always turn a negative into a positive?

Today, I was referred to as an eternal optimist. I have always know optimism is a strong suit for me, but hadn't really reflected on how deep that was ingrained in me. Anyone who knows me, knows I went straight to google...

Eternal optimist, noun:

1. A person who never ceases to give up hope in something they believe. 
2. A person who will continue to believe in something or a positive outcome till the end of time.

Yep, that is me. Finding the glass half full. Never giving up hope there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Always. Each thing in my life prepared me for the next. Each lesson learned has a purpose and a meaning.

People have said a lot of nice things about me over the years. I am very blessed to have many people who think the world of me. But today I realized, that is what I want to be remembered for in my life and hopefully someone will be inspired enough by my eternal optimism to make a change in their own life.

This is my best foot forward. Now I will get out of the way.

Mountain Song Inn: A Slice of Heaven

I met my husband in the Spring of  2006, March I believe it was. In June, I packed my one suitcase and moved to Denver, Colorado for a summer long mission trip. Rick, my boyfriend of 8ish weeks, came to visit me and we really have been in love since.

From the start, with our busy lives, we always felt like we had to pencil each other into the other's schedule. We started off really good, keeping a long list of date night options on my fridge to pick from each Wednesday night. We went on fancy dates to The White Dog, quiet dates like a movie on the coach and fun dates like playing pool.

As parents, we find the toughest relationship is with each other. All of a sudden spending one-on-one time with our first son and also with our second take up the little bit of free time we have and what is left is spent as a family. Even the little bit of time Rick and I have had to ourselves has been spent catching up with friends we don't get to see much.

Relaxing is not my strong suit, on any account. All of my brain tumor drama, definitely helped me to slow down, readjust my priorities and remember what is truly important in life, but it didn't really successfully help me to relax.

To say our 5 year anniversary trip was long overdue is an understatement! 

And we could not have picked a better place.

Rick and I went to Mountain Song Inn with one objective - to relax. Chris and Andy (our amazing innkeepers) were aware of this, particularly after the health saga that seemed to never end and they were ready for the challenge!

The most relaxed I have ever been are those 30 minutes after completing a yoga session. I feel relaxed both mentally and physically.

Staying at Mountain Song Inn was like those 30 minutes but they lasted the entire weekend. It was the plush robe in the closet, the soaking tub with the most wonderful bath salts, the big comfy bed with the pillows with just the right fluff, the homemade map with exact mileage to each of our destinations and the amazing hummingbirds that I literally watched for 2 hours on a cold rainy day because I simply couldn't take my eyes off of them (I even had to take a video so I could show my son!). Every inch of every corner encouraged relaxtion. 

Upstairs, Rick and I were able to relive some of what made our courting days so great. A game or two of pool, checkers and we were even able watch a movie in the library over a bottle of our favorite wine. Even sitting on the porch and watching the rain was wonderful. The openness of Chris and Andy, their ability to be around just enough to make us feel welcomed without impeding on our anniversary celebration was amazing.

And the food, oh the food! Where to even start with the amazing 3 course breakfasts we had! From homemade pastries (ask for the peach danish) and the homemade yogurt with homemade granola to the delicious veggie frittata and the amazing dutch apple pancakes. The sweet potatoes with brown sugar and cayenne pepper were out of this world. Please don't ask me my favorite because it would be impossible to decide.

But the beauty and relaxation doesn't stop at the property line. The Inn sits quite close to a tiny town that has just about all you need, a pizza place, some micro brews and some live music. We were able to watch 10 year old fiddlers on the street and eat delicious local produce. We even found a really cool hand painted bamboo flute to bring back our oldest.

We went exploring and took a hike to the top of Buffalo Mountain and a ride down the Blue Ridge Parkway to see the beauty that is God's creation. It was nice getting out into nature for the fresh air and to remember all of the wonderful things we were able to do before kids.

I relaxed. More than ever before. Even little old me, who goes a mile a minute, keeps a to-do list for my spare time and can. not. sit. still. can say, our mission was accomplished, a weekend away, to focus on my relationship with my husband and take a much needed break. But more importantly, realized this is something I am capable of doing. It just happens to be icing on the cake that it happened to be at a slice of heaven.

Thank you Chris and Andy for making our weekend so memorable. There is no doubt we will return again.

Almost there!!

Checkers!

Hummingbirds!

Mountain Song Inn

Mountain Song Inn

Our French Country Room

Celebratory Champagne!

Butterfly Garden

View from the deck


Beautiful flowers!

Our homemade map!

Child size blue grass!

Red blaze trail

 Buffalo Mountain

 Atop Buffalo Mountain

Buffalo Mountain

Blue Ridge Parkway

Happy 5 year anniversary to us!!

Getting Over the 3-month Hump!

So when we made it to 12 weeks in Griffin's exclusively breastmilk diet were beyond proud. (As before, if you do not wish to read about nursing, stop reading now!)

Here we are another month later and still holding strong! There was about 10 days during month 3, I was one hungry baby cry away from going to Target to buy formula. 

I hate pumping. Like despise it. It isn't painful, just really annoying. The majority of my job is working on projects, large projects that require lots of focus with lots of planning and lots of organization. Already the environment I am in has constant interruptions, and with my office off-site and my current driving situation (just one month left!!), it is hard to pull myself from my work to find a quiet place to pump that won't interrupt my focus and productivity.

Some mothers pump and get as much or more than what their baby would get if nursing. Sadly, I am not one of those. My body doesn't respond to the pump the way it does to my baby. I have to pump double the amount of times he feeds to keep up. So when he was eating 3 bottles at school, I was pumping 6 times. Usually one or 2 were at home in between feedings. I was starting to get sick of pumping around the clock, even when I was with my baby just to keep up. Enter the 3 month growth spurt and there went almost my entire freezer supply.

When I unfroze the last bag of freezer milk, I accepted the end was near. We had made it further than we ever expected and we would be proud of that. I told Rick I felt like this might be the end of our nursing relationship and he as supportive as ever, reminded me that Griffin would be just fine.

But for some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to let go. We had already made it this far!!I read the 3 month growth spurt is the hardest point and if you could get over that hump you would be golden and things get so much easier after that. I just wasn't ready to quit. So I ordered fenugreek, made myself drink the required 64oz of water a day, tried to stay busy during my pump breaks so I would stop stressing about how much was coming out (apparently that has a psychological effect on your let-down) and started nursing Griffin right before he went to class so he wouldn't need as much expressed milk. One week later, we were finally making it all work. The end didn't feel so near anymore. But, I was still only making enough to have a happy baby and get through day by day. I still wasn't able to put anything in the freezer.

We have our 5 year anniversary trip planned in August which means leaving the boys for 3 days, which means I need 3 days worth of milk in our freezer by August 15th. I decided if I had to supplement for a weekend, as disappointing as it would be, I would because this trip is that important to us.

Then something miraculous happened. Griffin slept through the night. SIX HOURS of uninterrupted sleep. And then he slept through another night this time SEVEN HOURS. Then another and another. One week later (which was last night he slept TEN HOURS! He is feeding before bed sometime between 730-830pm then not again until 530-6am.  I have continued to pump before I go to bed sometime between 10/11 which is forcing me to take some time to myself and that milk goes straight to the freezer. It isn't much each day but we are getting there! I am hopeful we will have enough for our anniversary weekend.

The next growth spurt will result in cereal/baby food and then the start of weaning begins. I just can't believe it! I am feeling so elated we have made it this far but like everything else, so bittersweet our sweet baby boy is growing so fast. I am really growing to love my private time with Griffin now (which is sometimes propped up against a bathroom wall as if I am sitting in an imaginary chair), especially since it has opened my flexibility up be able to have mornings with my little dude.

I feel like we are (finally) past the worst of it and nursing is actually easier than bottle feeding. I am excited that Griffin won't be attached to the bottle like Cooper was (ugh, I cringe even thinking back to weaning Coop from the bottle). I am most excited we made it another month and if we make it to 12, that will be cool and if we don't, that will be okay, too.